Coveting

So I finally convinced myself to stay for church service this past Sunday, and I'm so glad that I did. I usually volunteer with kids at 9am and then head home, missing the sermon for that day. They are doing a series called, "Age of Kings", and I missed week one, but yesterday was week 2. Here is a little of what it was about and how we can relate it to our owns lives (these are just some of the notes I took):

Have you ever wanted something soooo bad? And you dont even see it coming, it just pops up! Getting your heart set on something & being consumed. Ahab wanted a vegetable garden on land that wasn't his (1 Kings 21:1-5). What starts out as a "want" turns into a "need" which = coveting. Now when I first heard this word, I thought it meant infidelity... I just looked it up and it means to yearn to posses or have something. Also to wish for longingly. Who hasn't had those feelings before? The pastor was saying how coveting was the "gateway sin". Ahab pouted about not being able to do this, so he & his wife/lady Jezebell made it happen. I definitely need to read more about it, but I think they had to kill some peeps to get what they wanted. Messed up!

This whole sermon really helped me out. The so-called answer is to confess this to God and pray, just asking for help with coveting, whatever it is. In my case lately, I don't feel like its the actual guy that I want - maybe its the attention or that feeling that someone likes to talk to you/spend time with you? It's that chemistry and that connection that I miss, having with a guy. I think I got a glimpse of that, but a very short one. I just need to pray and ask God to turn me in a new direction.

This is a question the pastor asked: Is it worth it to shrink your life down to that thing?

Noooo. It's not. Of course it's not! But sometimes my feelings feel like a separate part of me that I can't control; but we all know that's not true. I'm the only one who can have a hold on my feelings. But man, it seems so hard and like running into a brick wall. I think I just feel like I wasn't good enough or lost at something. Not pretty enough, not skinny enough etc etc of course, all the usuals. There was just something that happened that made my self confidence shrink.

Aaaaah... Life DOES go on. Time heals all my wounds, big and small. At least I just had chocolate cake with my fam. And good chocolate cake - the chocolate ganache from Publix! :)